Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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