his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
