my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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