Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
