it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
