Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
