You're my little dorito
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
