I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
