lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
