I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
