I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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