Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
