Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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