I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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