I cut my penus on the lid.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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