2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
