Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
