She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
