I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
