she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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