You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
