My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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