Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
