also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Someone shit on the floor
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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