1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
