Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
