Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Green mimosas i think yes
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
