you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
