Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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