i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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