If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
