Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
