No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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