Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
