blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
