I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
