god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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