At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
