I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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