I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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