Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize