Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
