I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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