All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
