if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
