im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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