your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sober January is a disaster.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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