Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize