She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
