Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
