My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
