her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just found a bag of teeth...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
