threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
