All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
