I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
