Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
