You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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