When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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