A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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