I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
