so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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