life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
