my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
