I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
